With the upcoming changeling stuff I'm merging ALL my LJ's. If you don't get a request from me, let me know and I'll add you! =0 My new LJ is Tisha404

Dani takes the cowboy hat off of her head sitting it down next to her. Her leather journal laying open in front of her her, her body sprawled across a bed that's not hers. The material scratchy against her skin in comparison to her plush Cali King. She writes the date in tight perfect letters at the top and begins to think about what she should write about.

The plane roared on as she curled under the blanket lounging in the plush chair. Her eyes dipped close to closing, her body going slack. She drifted her mind going to the place of dreams. They familiar melody seeps through her and her mind is brought back to the present.

I try so hard to make choices. Yet when I do, those who agree to hold up their end never do. The age old delima on the human spirit failing to follow through. Fucking men. Sometimes I think that it would really be best to become a lesbian, then I think back to the fact that women are by far more manipulative and infinitely more cruel than men and I change my mind. A sampling of both is probably best.

A voices pierces through and she smiles to herself. So soon... So soon she would see him.

I try to please those that I care for, probably to a fault. I try to make my own path, but it is blocked. The yearning for things not possessed burns brighter than any fire. I long for one person that I can be myself with and I am scared that such a thing cannot exist. Even from those I love I hide things, though in some cases I am unsure why. Maybe the pain of them leaving? Possibly. Who shall know the way of the world? Not I.

Her head aches and she groans as she lifts it. She looks next to her at the form facing away. She would know that hair any where, those shoulders with just the right amount of tone. That back that ripples in all the right places.

Oh god... What happened? She tries to think to herself. So much alcohol and drugs. Her head feeling groggy. She had made it to the boat with him... Had sat down on his lap... Then... OH SHIT! Wait, that can't be it, he wouldn't be here if it was.

Her eyes close, her body drawing close to his as she tries to remember through the groggy haze of waking up, booze and drugs.

After it was over... She found him, the two of them embracing, her lips slipping to his neck to drink. Him going to his knees with her wrapped around him. His hands pressing and kneading her ass. His lips in her ear... Did he really say that?

Him carrying her to his car, sitting her down... His hands sliding between her legs as they kissed. His lips sliding to her neck... The extacy of the Kiss. The expensive table in her foyer being the perfect height... The stairs to her bedroom providing a good place... The wall outside of her door... Her dresser... Finally the bed with it's expensive sheets...

She shudders and kisses his back softly. She whispers to him even though he's still asleep.

"I will fix everything for you... Thank you."

Dani moves out of the shower as she prepares herself for bed. Her lithe form moving in sadness as she wraps a warm robe around herself. She brushes out her hair and pulls out her journal to recount her night. The leather soft under her hand as she unwinds the cord which holds it closed. She flips through memories and moments that she would probably forget had she not immortalized them in print.

Her hand moved to the top of the page writing the date. So many things to say, so many things to write. She pauses, inhaling through her nose. She tries to decide what she should say, how she should say it. Then she gives up scrawling across the page.

BOY'S LIE, BECOME A LESBIAN!

Satisfied that those few words summed it up, she shut her book and finished getting ready for be. Heart broken, betrayed and alone she drifts of to dream of a life out of her reach.

Dani examines herself in the mirror and sighs softly. Her pretty legs going all the way up meeting under a feeble excuse for a skirt. She pulls herself away, knowing that examining her body is only her putting off what she needs to do. She grabs her keys moving to her car and sliding behind the wheel. She tried to think of everything except where she was going. The wind in her hair... The hum of the engine... Even the stickiness of her lipstick. Anything to keep her mind off of where she was heading.

She pulls up infront of the house remembering the time she had came here the first time. Her hand trails across the warmth of the hood as she abandons her comfort. She had hoped at one time that she had found her home. She had, in a coy way, asked. She had asked for a few more months, which to her was her way of testing the water. Then it went away, just as quickly as it came.

She moves inside and he meets her, it still feels stiff and forced though she follows him outside. To a fucking garden, great.

He asks her to undress...

Why does every freaking lesson someone wish to teach begin with my getting naked?

The speaking continues and the sprinklers do infact come on. She listens and tries to not be too sarcastic. He asks her to pant a rose bush and she fails to link anything in her mind yet. She considers what he says. He asks her to kneel and she does, his hands sliding a collar around her neck.

Andre: You will wear this at all times except while you are bathing while you are a member of the chorus, as a constant reminder that you have at least one priority at home that you need to take constant care of. I will adjust the clasp at a later time so you can bejewel it or whatever you need to, to go with your various outfits.

DON'T FRENZY! Keep your cool! Breath a few times, relax your jaw, your teeth are too pretty to be grinding together and making that noise. Don't look at him! It will make you want to frenzy. Keep calm... DON'T TALK! That's bad, you'll scream. Just stay calm and don't speak... See... SIMPLE! Chant to yourself about Tribulation and think about how soon you'll be able to tell him to fuck the hell off. Good girl! That's it!

Andre: This, unlike the people that take place in domination and submission, is not a sign of ownership. unless you like the idea of being owned by a rose bush.

Her body relaxes as the realization of meaning from the entirety of his speech washes over her. The mindless droning that he was doing before sinking in and taking root. A strange realization forming in her head and a coralation taking form between her and a tangible object.

When she slips out to her car she glances over her shoulder at the house. She sighs wistfully and returns to her mansion on the beach.

Dani moves through the room balancing her books, computer and DVD. She moves up to her bedroom dropping the stack onto her bed. She picks up the DVD and studies it, even though she's seen it a dozen times. She slides it into the player, picking up the remote as she moves to the bed to get comfortable. She glances at the door as she spreads out the books and doesn't yet hear him coming up. She pulls her journal out of the pile and writes the date.

Here I am, alone. Well not alone, but not what I think it should be. In a few minutes I'll be joined by someone who will speak to me about religion and faith. While I don't mind the subject topic, it's really not what I thought would happen. What I thought was that I'd wake up and soon be joined by someone. That he and I would spend the night talking and smiling. I was very wrong.

It's hard to try not to be upset. I do understand responsibility, but sometimes I wish that others didn't have such a firm grasp on it. Regardless... It will all be better tomorrow.

Dani smiles as someone enters her room "I've started the movie. Have a seat..."

Dani sits at her desk leafing through papers, her laptop open next to her. She sighs slightly and stretches, her mind going to the night before as she pulls out her journal

The way he spoke to her electrified her. When he breathed her name it made her weak... But...

Things are always different when you take away or add sex. Owen for example. So much to do and say in regards to him. Knowing someone when they have their whole life to live happily and then now seeing them with only death head is sobering. I spent so many years with him as part of my life, sometimes forgetting about him the way we do with humans, but going to him when I was down. It was innocent and he was sweet. Always adoring and knowing what to say.

When he originally asked me to marry him it was poetic. We were laying together in his apartment, I had stopped by on a whim... His arms were around me and our lips kept finding each other. He never asked why I couldn't stay the day... He always took my answers as face value. He treated me like a wounded kitten who he shouldn't push.

"Two years Dani... You and me"

His eyes were as warm and kind as always and it was one of those silly things that friends do that later get made into "My Best Friends Wedding". I didn't know what to say. He was human and he'd move on soon enough... Or I would when he started to age and I couldn't explain why I was timeless. I never once gave thought to him being part of my world. That's a lie, one night when he drifted off by myself I thought how easy it would be to open my wrist for him. To show him the strength he could have. But I never did. Nor did I want to. Just sometimes the closeness made me long to tell him. To be honest with him as I had never been with another.

She pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs, setting down her pen for a minute while she logs onto IRC. She glances down the list seeing Bert and Olivia. She rolls her eyes and something else catches her attention. As she starts a conversation and picks up her pen again between responses.

Perhaps if you can't have what you want though, you should substituted it with as many of the things you don't as possible. Something I did with Owen then, rather then open myself up to him and what I'm doing to someone else now. Closeness is both a blessing and a curse. I have the bad habit of opening myself up to those who then reject me. I guess I should probably consider more therapy. Or maybe I should go with my first choice and stop opening up.

She nibbles her bottom lip when the answer to her question made in jest comes through.

Instead of considering this... Solace in one who I don't care for and will never be in that position seems the best bet... Drown my feelings and replace it with hate. Turn him into all the others and do what I do best.

Dani nibbles her bottom lip as her brain searches for a lie. She absently writes the date at the top of the journal page. Her fingers strumming on the desk. His desk. She looks over the normal mundane things that live on desks. Her pen still poised, trying to come up with what to document.

Last night I went to the ritual to appease a Goddess. It was met with trepidation and understandably so. Though there were people there that comforted me, a friend who I've known for awhile now was there and as always she was beautiful. But that's not really what I want to write about. I want to write about him but I can't bring myself to do it.

A scene plays in her mind. Standing on the rocks looking down at the ocean as she fought with herself to guard everything she knows. How easily he slid into talking to her. Her unlikely friend, Bert stood with her, their rhetoric going back and forth sharing and trying not to at the same time. Cigarette after cigarette...

Soon May 5th will be here and I'll make the trip once more. Rarely am I allowed the luxury of being truly honest. Opening myself up to the core and sharing with someone.

She had told him. There on that cliff she had taken out the locket and showed him. She could see clearly in her mind him holding up a picture in return of him and a pretty blond. She knew at that second she had stepped over a line. One that she tried her best to never step over. She could probably count on one hand how many times it had happen.

It's true, people believed she did it alot. Her soft voice and eyes that looked like they could spill precious tears at any moment. Her looks of pain and desire... But in reality most was an act. Only a few times could she be open.

Once a year though I get the sympathetic and unyielding ear of one person. One person who I carry with me always and will be a part of me forever. Saturday I will get this. For a few hours in a grave yard. Surrounded by the silence of true death.

Dani nibbles her lip more, putting her pen and book away.

Dani sighs as she contemplates launching her laptop across the room, then reconsiders. She lays back on her bed, her naked form relaxing. Her hand dancing it's way over her tummy as her chest unnaturally rises and falls. She turns her head and looks at the pile of books next to her, groaning softly. She picks up the book again, starting to read it. After a bit she returns it to the pile and puts the date on the top of her journal page.

I am the unequivocal Queen of how to keep yourself bored in 10 books or less. Unfortunately for me there is no Rosetta stone for Ancient Greek. So how does one go about learning this then? Apparently they don't, for most humans would not be able to survive the cold climate and man eating bugs that reside where the books to teach you this live.

I am Jack's complete lack of surprise...

Dani rolls over and yawns as there is a knock at her door.

Dani sighs as she throws her dress in trash. Not because of the dress, but because of the events. Dread creeps into her tummy as she sits down at the desk in the room labeled as hers. Her bare bottom sliding against the leather of the chair as she opens her note book. Then as always, the thoughts begin.

She wonders what she should right about, though she knows. She should write about him, about the fight. She's been putting it off since it happened. A combination of fear and dread. Normally writing helps her get things out, once they are there they are out of her mind...

Tonight was a mixing of things. It started off with a Deava meeting where I think I managed to piss off Andre, though he said it was fine. I had a good time though. I managed to entertain myself, which mostly consisted of me playing devils advocate.

She can't help but to drift back, his body so close to hers. His hand s tangled in her hair, his fangs digging into her neck, "You're my Dani Girl, no one elses". Even now it makes her shiver despite herself.

But this is just an intro to something that I've been avoiding. Juan. Our call just after the meeting in Atlantic City had me in tears. I had thought that he would be happy for me. After all he is one of my biggest fans. But no. He yelled... Alot. More than ever before.


Her chest feeling tight and painful, the way he was harsh and yelled. The way he put her down. She was use to this from others, but never from him. Her word seemed crushed and so wrong. She started to doubt herself, him and her emotions.

I try to think of some way to make it up to him, though I cannot. Perhaps a nice watch? Eventually he's going to catch onto that trick though. I'm not sure whatelse to write on this topic. Perhaps I'll revisit it later.

Even as she demanded and pouted that she was right and that he was wrong. That she knew what she wanted and she would try, deep down she did doubt. She did think it was wrong and for the first time ever she doubted that her feelings were reciprocated.

On a more positive note, I'm gong to be visiting a friend soon. Hopefully it will help take my mind away from some of my problems...

Some emotions are transient. Some would say that love is one of those. She preaches about the the power of it, but yet her own feelings betray her words. She once thought that when it was found that her quest would be over. Then when she did she felt she had so much more to life to live. Once she realized that she was ready, she was told she wasn't. Self doubt is not transitory.

In frustration she puts her pen away, wrapping the journal back up. She holds it to her chest inhaling the strong scent of leather and cigar smoke that it has soaked up over the years. It always reminds her of him which makes it even more difficult.

Even now, a few nights past the pain, it still burned inside of her. It still made her feel alone. Normally when she felt like this she found solace in the only soft place she knew. But what do you do when that place is the ones who gives you the feeling.

Dani glides through the the living room of the penthouse, her lithe form swaying catlike as she saunters to door that leads outside to the balcony. Her skin aching for the warmth of the body she just left behind.

She cradles the leather bound journal to her chest as she moves, opening the door and stepping outside into the warm night air. She listlessly looks out over the lights of the city. Her mind racing and wondering. She gracefully sits herself in a lounger, opening the book and taking out her pen. She sighs and starts to gracefully inscribe the date at the top before starting.

"He wrote to me the other day, Juan. Sometimes I'm at such a loss for what to say or do. Maybe I shouldn't have been so insistant on seeing him. What if he didn't want to see me and he's just being polite? I feel like such an idiot.

I owe him so much, yet I don't want to force myself on him... But every time I think of him I feel so weak."

She sighs softly and rubs her temples, shaking her head. She adjusts her naked form on the lounger and looks out over the city again. She takes a minute to contemplate before beginning again.

"When we are apart I yearn for him in a way that I do not for any other. I would like to write it off as physical attraction or at very least sexual. But I fear it's not the case. While both are true and I love to watch him pick his way through a room almost as much as I love the way his hands feel when he softly explores my body, it seems so different. I not only want for that, but for his arm, in no way sexual, around my shoulders. His soft words whispered into my ear and the way he looks at me when he's proud.

Perhaps it's fondness and adoration for the time that he has invested in me to help me accomplish and be everything I currently am. I live a very charmed life, though I realize it wont last forever in this state. Or perhaps I feel for him like family. Never really having anything as stable maybe that's what I'm feeling. Though there is the possibility of deluding myself into believing things. As for right now though, I'll happily float along not knowing.

Easily leaping at any opportunity to spend time with him so long as he allows it. Mi rey... Caballero.

She looks off at the distance knowing that soon she will have to retreat from the light that will be peeking. Inside she can hear the hustle of her newest "friend" being ushered off before she needs to sleep. No pleasure comes from these though, they are for survival. Words from somewhere so long ago float to the surface "it's easy to go off and feed using sex". Her hand automatically goes to her neck and her body shivers. She picks up her pen again, as if it will take her mind away from that thought.

Perhaps I should stop and pull away from him before it's too late. I know I am young and have yet to develop the form of callousness that others like me have. Maybe I will feel that familiar tug of my heart being shattered. Though even if I do eventually, my life with him in it was far happier than it could have been having never met him. For now I will focus on the good and try to keep my worried mind in check.

Dani gracefully slides off of the lounger, replacing her pen and wrapping the cord back around the journal, her mind continuing to wonder. This time putting pen to paper did not make that stop. She handed it off just inside the doors, allowing herself to be helped into a robe. She glided gracefully to the marble walled bathroom where her bath had been drawn. Rose peatle littered the top as the liquid added turned the water a calming shade of pink. She turned to the counter where her Ipod had been settled into it's speakers.

Her fingers gently caressing the controls till she found something she wished to listen to. The music split through the numb silence of the bathroom and she stood, inhaling and exhaling for a few minutes before slipping out of the robe and into the warmth of the water to wash the depravity off of her Temple, her body.

Unfortunately Playboy radio went off air... Though in March of 2006 it was picked up by Sirus Satalite Radio and was back up again. My show was not part of it's programming, till this point. They missed me and wanted me back. They were recruiting Playmates to spice up their airwaves. I, of course, was top on their list.

Landing this cushy deal was pretty much the cherry on top. I got to name my terms and because of Juan's studio, I could always air remotely when I went to see him. God I missed him.

After syndication I was hot, but felt there was no where to go. I went to a party at the Playboy mansion in the summer. I dressed up and had a great time. What I wasn't prepared for though was the call that came after. Hugh Heffner was so impressed by me that he wanted me in the magazine. I was astounded. Me? Playboy? Yeah right!

But it was true. After some negotiations Tom managed to get me as a Playmate and also landed my show on Playboy Radio. It was a huge step up and this time, I knew I did it myself.

New York... I was so upset to be here alone, but it was time I started picking my own way around. Tom was convinced that I needed to be here. I needed to talk to people, let them see me. Marketing he called it. The party was dull and I was wearing way too much to be happy. I felt him before I could see him though and it scared me.

He motioned to the corner and I felt locked in place. I tried to calm myself and I followed, sizing him up. He was sexy, very handsome... Nice broad shoulders, hot. I was nervous. I sat down and was immediately charmed. His accent was fairly thick and he kept getting confused, it was cute. He had apparently slept and missed out on some of the more fine advancements.

We spoke for the better part of the hour, flirting. His name was Athos and we become close friends.

This was a good year. We found out that my show "Hard Call" would be Nationally syndicated. Juan kept swearing that he had nothing to do with it, but I didn't really believe it. It was so great though, it didn't matter. Syndication, I thought I had arrived.

Like most things I owe this break to Juan. I'm not sure how he did it, but by the time I turned around after graduation he had me set up as a guest on this talk show. Young people call in with sex questions and then they get advice. Some campy, but the guests are generally doctors or therapists who give real answers.

I was such a hit that it took off, they had me on a few more times and then they were practically begging to hire me. I didn't know what to do. Juan found this guy to help me, my agent Tom. He helped me out so much and before you knew it I was the talk of the town. Everything I said was golden and people couldn't get enough. But there had to be more and we never stopped pushing.